I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to finally determine, after a long time waiting, what is wrong with me. It cannot possibly come a moment too soon.
I have to admit I put my wife through a long weekend of hell. I barely remember anything that happened over the last four days, but I remember enough to know I wasn't a very good husband. I slept a lot, and when I was awake I was completely without energy. I sank into my various distractions and missed about 80% of everything she said. She had to beg and plead to get me to at least try to have fun with her. Her passtime of choice is to have me write with her, and when I did I produced nothing of quality. It all culminated into me feeling so much like a lump--and acting like one--that Sunday night, she got so frustrated she nearly threw a shoe at me. I imagine just so that I'd react to something.
The sensation comes and goes, I have my good days and my bad days, but for the last several months now my bad days have far outnumbered the good. On said bad days, I feel like how I imagine a rock must feel. That is to say, like nothing. Like an inanimate object. I don't remember anything anyone says to me, or anything that goes on. I can't concentrate. Zero creativity. Extremely tired. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. I feel disconnected from everything. It all feels like it's happening to someone else.
There is a constant... I hesitate to say the words "buzzing sound", because that's not accurate, but it's the best way I can describe it. In my conciousness, not in my ears. It's like someone has stretched out and then interwoven a few balls of cotton into the pathways of my brain. Every thought and feeling I used to have normally now comes slowly or not at all.
The conversation my wife and I had afterward branched out, reached outward to explore the entire generation I live in, as well as the one right on our heels. This blog entry took a lot longer to write than I thought it would, and I promised I'd deliver on the full range of topics this touches on. So I will write this one in two parts. Consider this part 1.
3 comments:
In my defense, my intent was never to throw the shoe *at* you. I brandished it out of frustration and threw it at the floor.
I confess to having unplugged myself during that moment. The day had been garbage from waking to that point. In spite of that, I didn't lay a hand to you and I didn't throw the shoe at you. It sounds weird to anyone who doesn't live with me, but that's vastly improved over past reactions. We didn't get into a screaming match either.
In fact, one we started talking through everything, you seemed to cheer up right away. We went out on a whim and brought home ingredients for hot chocolate. We laughed and you resembled the man I met and fell in love with.
This is the man I want to restore. Let's hope the doctor has some clues. I won't let you be beaten by this fugue. Not when you've worked to ensure that my path is secure.
Anyway...the weekend wasn't as bad as it might have been. We had some close moments too. It was just so hard to remember anything good yesterday. Everyone was in a foul mood.
But: it's over now, right? :)
Sure you don't have a touch of depression? You don't feel sad, disconnection is also a symptom. Not everyone has the same signs. Let the nurse know at least.
Are you still trying to work out every day or are you having a hard time with that? I find that I feel better after a quick walk when I'm drowsy or not feeling myself. It's hard to get motivated to do it, especially with the weather turning.
I've been feeling a bit hum bugish lately, which is unusual for me really. I think perhaps I need to start bringing my walking shoes and hit the treadmill before work. I think it'll give me back that pep in my step.
I can relate to the feelings but not the sound I guess. The not sad, but not happy, not really anything. I think of it as the great indifference. Its usually marked by a pronounced lack of energy. I always here that its a sign of depression but honestly I never feel sad neccessarily. From what I am always told though depressed does not equal sad.
In my own experience the feeling is like the tide in its ebb and flow. Sometimes the changes are swift and other times they seem to linger as though to last for all times. There wasn't enough of the blog to know if you were going this direction or not but from what I read I would say I agree that its symptomatic of our generation as a whole.
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