"Well, this is how the world works. All energy flows according to the whims of the great magnet." - Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Just a bit of personal venting today.
I have three people in my life who I love dearly above all others and would do anything for, including light myself on fire or leap into traffic. I have my wife, and I have two friends. The two friends are married, so they come as one side of the item. My wife is, obviously, married to *me*, so she comes in as the other side.
The two sides, for reasons passing understanding, war constantly with one another. Neither side has been able to adequately explain what they find so repulsive about the other, they just do. Personally I think, more than anything else, it's just the aforementioned magnet at play. Polar opposites that can't be kept apart no matter what I try, but want nothing better than to claw the eyes from each other's heads when they get near one another. A problem perhaps more deeply rooted than simple personality conflicts. It might be etched into the bedrock of nature itself. Balance in all things. Each person walking the earth has an opposite, I think; some people walk about the planet like matter, and others like antimatter. When the two meet there is a kind of explosion, one with wholly unpredictable results.
So ok, my friends are matter, my wife is antimatter. Or maybe it's the other way around. Who cares? What matters is, I'm jammed *between* these two particles like a dilithium crystal. (Skip that if you're not a Trekkie.) It's been some kind of special hell for going on five years now. Trying to keep the matter and antimatter in balance, attempting to prevent a dangerous explosion, all without fracturing myself. Not only that, but it's been even more difficult trying to hold on to both sides. I don't want to attempt to live without my wife or my friends. They are both equally important to me, although in different ways.
So there it is. The whole picture. Me in the center, trying to mediate or separate, case depending, without personally angering either side, making an ass of myself, or breaking down. I'm not a perfect person. I don't always handle it exactly as I should. In an effort to keep the peace and my own sanity, I sometimes say or do something that greatly injures feelings. Sometimes it's my wife who takes the hit, other times my friends. Many times the sides feel under appreciated, that I don't spend enough time with them or that I don't make them feel important enough. Many times they deserve apology or recompense. I don't always have the time, energy, or patience to render it properly.
So what is the answer? I can't lose my wife, she's too important to me. I can't lose my friends, they are also too important to me. I can't force them to get along, I might as well ask the continental plates to stop floating around on magma and bumping into each other. I can't stay in the middle like this, because it's only a matter of time before I run out of juice or make a fatal mistake and the whole thing flies apart. There have been near-misses to that tune already.
Somethings gotta give.
13 February 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I agree. It does put you in a bad spot. I was compelled to respond because the news I heard hurt. I'm not mad, just hurt.
I'll continue this thought in a bit... :-/
For me, I don't buy into the polarity theory any more. Were that true, I'd not have the friends I do, and I certainly wouldn't have warmed up to Melissa. I wouldn't be (this might sting a little, self) looking forward to the next episode of Voyager. I've befriended people whose beliefs I don't much appreciate, and only a few extreme cases (we're talking lunatic fringe stuff) I couldn't handle. I don't agree with a lot of people a lot of the time. No, that isn't really it..
It's paranoia. Constant paranoia, and I find it's more common than I believed. Certainly I feel it. I only behave this way, looking back over the years, when I'm afraid of losing someone close to me. Mom, Tori, Robyn, you. I felt outside influences would change the people I love, steal them away. Of course, that only happened in one case, but Tori was one of those extremes I couldn't cope with.
Still. I sniped her friends constantly when she started to change. I presumed they were the cause and that's probably not true at all. I did that with Robyn, with mom's boyfriends, and with your friends. The other cases either vanished or mended themselves. I stepped away for awhile in Robyn's case, and realized she's a good person who was in transition and who has really become someone admirable. I miss her, actually. Damnable schedule!
You haven't changed. You're the same, you still love me. At first, it was the "Randi crush" ghost hanging over me, which your family kind of made out to be more than it was. I didn't much care for you talking to your other exes either, but you didn't try to make us friends. There was a lot of bad initial weirdness. We've been over that.
But the fundamental fear is that you'll change because of other people and I won't love you anymore and vice versa (and who better to influence you than your best friends?). That and plain terror of a sexual nature. I am always afraid I'm boring, so you'll go elsewhere and why not to them? I was always looking for evidence they were "into" you. That's what I was really looking for. Signs of infidelity or even just you watching or looking or whatever. Yeah. I even feared Joshua. Which is kind of creepy. And it's also a sign of how deep the paranoia ran.
Yet speaking of it with Melissa and getting all of my fears and feelings and perceptions out there helped. I got it out and started working it out and it really began when I exposed you. I needed the full picture painted. I will admit, I felt you owed your friends the whole story, because I did feel your behavior was unjust and confusing. I didn't know the story behind it, so I took it at face value. I was tempted to tell them things over the years, but didn't out of fear you'd leave me.
Bah! You can't get anywhere if you have to hide things. You just can't. I believe in transparency and justice. I think I've proven there's wisdom in such things, even if they cause pain. I feel more peace today than I have in a long time. I don't know if anyone else will heal from this, but I think I will.
Well... that's my confession.
What about you? Think paranoia influenced your feelings? I'd say it has.
I'll wait for the rest of Randi's thought before responding to her. Just know that I *will* respond. :)
As for Jessica, I think you did trip on that vital truth you mentioned in your tagline there. It intrigues me that you were perfectly capable of drawing near to Melissa, even though you two are nearly as opposite as you and Randi, just because she isn't a "threat."
Well, I want you to understand that Randi is also not a "threat." She's married to my best friend. I'm closer to Josh than I am to my own brother. Even if Randi *were* interested in me (which I know she isn't, what with being *married to Josh* and all), I wouldn't permit anything, both because I love you and because I wouldn't want to harm my friend. In precisely the same way as I wouldn't put my moves, such as they are, on Melissa, because I wouldn't wish harm on a brother.
As for Josh being a threat, to that all I can say is... o.o 0.0 O.O ... XD
Trust me on this one. He and I talk a lot. Joshua Terry is strictly for the ladies. :-P
Oh. As for the paranoia influencing my feelings... I don't think so. I know my feelings were indeed influenced, but I think it came more from being pulled in so many different directions, rather than any specific paranoia.
I don't have any hatred or ill will towards your wife. Last spring I had asked you to watch venting about your wife around me. It hurt me to hear your frustrations, but I also knew it was one sided. Because I wouldn't likely ever be hearing the other side I asked it to stop so that I didn't get any unneeded bad impressions about your wife. I didn't want us bonding over "a common enemy". It's not fair any of us.
I understand collective thinking. You hear bad things about a person over and over and you begin to think that person is a bad person. If I vented to you every time I was upset at Josh, you would probably begin to despise him.
I do admit that you get stuck in the middle trying to please both sides. I've not, nor have I ever ask you to choose between us and your wife. I would hope that it never comes down to that with your wife, but I would hope that your relationship was strong enough with her to know immediately that marriage comes before friends. Part of that is just how life works and you'll have to figure out how to manage being in the middle.
I think part of what spoiled it was you, but not by any intention. I would go to you when I had a problem or even just a concern about Jessica because I find it helpful to have background information to help understand the situation. It was never to cause trouble; it was never to get her into trouble or a request for you to control her. However it is apparent that information I was getting was not helpful and the things I'd say to you were not in confidence like I had thought they were.
I don't know that I would consider this drama, really. Do let it get blown out of proportion. It just hurt my feelings to hear that you'd ridicule me behind my back and be all smiles to my face. It's two faced. If you have a problem or something you don't agree with you need to say it to me. If a friendship cannot last that then it's not much of a friendship at all.
I want to reiterate that this so called drama, if it is that, was not caused by Jessica or what she said. I do not fault her in this. Again, I realize you are human, as am I. I have feelings and they got hurt. Friendships suffer setbacks because of this, but if it has a solid foundation it will not collapse.
I do admit to occasionally checking to see how Jessica is doing. I don't wish her ill will. She is a large part of your life, and checking up on her helps me understand you, Jason. I do this because I need to do it on my own time. I hope she finds the happiness and balance she seeks. If what you say is true, it sounds like there might be a ways to go (just my opinion) and perhaps it'd be best not to discuss my husband and me around her.
I have not read Jessica's response so I'm sorry if there's any redundancy. This post isn't meant to agree or disagree to her post, just merely a continuation from my first thought. Obviously work comes first...
Oops I meant Do *NOT* let it get blown out of proportion.
Jason, I agree with you that part of it is me being a threat. Seriously it's irrational, and I know you know that Jessica. Still the human heart is not always ruled by what is rational.
Melissa sounds like a great gal and I hope that you can find a sister in her, Jessica. You've always commented that you wish you had siblings. Let this be your chance.
Jason and I have been friends off and on for a very long time. I doubt that I'll change him much. He's not going to suddenly become a workaholic or suddenly stop playing MMOs because of us. I'll agree that his constitution is not as strong as yours, but trust that he's not going to stop being Jason. You have much more influence over him than I or Josh do.
Like I said, what I read blind-sided me. I didn't expect that Jason was capable of that. I should have known though, he is human and pessimism is common
The thing is, I didn't think myself capable of it either. That was what really bothered me and what prompted the argument Jess and I got into on Wednesday.
Jessica can back me up on this, because it is in part what caused so many problems in the first place, or at least we used to think so: Back when she and I first got together, and I first advanced the idea of hanging out with the two of you on a regular basis, I wouldn't shut up about how great you are. I wouldn't stop singing your praises, and I meant every word.
The shift from that place, to the place I was before Wednesday, was downright insidious. It went, over the course of years, from "No, (blank) isn't true about them," to "OK, I'll admit (blank)", to actually joking and jabbing about (blank). What was sick was, in my head, I never left "(blank) isn't true". It was just my mouth. It became like a reflex action, something I said in response to an exterior stimulus, something else said or seen.
Read it again and you'll get it.
The worst part--and seriously, I'm not blowing my own horn here, I'm just being honest--is that there are maybe two or three people in the world I would actually wish harm on, and they were all in middle school. I would never actually want to say or do anything that would harm anyone else, least of all you or Josh. Let me underline that: I never want to hurt anyone. That's what is, to me, the most frustrating thing about all this. I do harm to the people I love the most in the world and I don't want to.
Well, perhaps that was also part of the tension, since it seems I am the only one harboring intense paranoia.
In design class, we spoke of gestalt and how human minds are always seeking pattern. I'd say it's doubly true in the paranoid mind. You can't believe some of the crack-brained ideas I've come up with based off of the thinnest threads.
I went through periods of concretely believing every one of my online friends was in a huge conspiracy to shame me. People who didn't even know each other.
I recently toyed with the notion that you and your friends were all in an on experiment to drive me insane (literally insane). I was convinced of it for awhile, mostly because of the way you'd swap sides. I thought you were trying to give me a breakdown for laughs.
You might giggle at that or think I'm lying, but I really experience these kinds of dreads. I know they aren't rational. I always try to combat it, but there's always that doubt. What if I believe them and then it happens? Then I'm a fool and I'm hurt and I'm out.
The paranoia causes the manipulation, sees threats in every corner, scrambles thought, brings depression. It's tiring.
It seems I no more beat one wild fear into submission and another one forms. I'm always wary when people are nice. I try to wonder what they're really after. Nobody could possibly like me for myself. There must always be an angle, a gimmick.
So I'd apply that to Jason.
Oh, they just want something from him. They're going to make a fool of him. They don't really like him. They're going to drop a bomb on him. He'll fly right into their trap and only I can save him! Nobody sees it the way I do! They're using him. They're trying to make him theirs!
Then, I'd consult my friends and they'd agree with my views. One would promise me that he would never keep friends who bothered me so much. Of course I'm going to bask in that. That kind of thing. That's the problem of having male friends with strong protective instinct. They provided what Jason could not, because he didn't "get" it. He couldn't get it, because he was on the inside and had pity-insulation.
I mean, Jesus, I was convinced my teachers were going to rip every one of my projects into shreds and it hasn't happened yet. They've all been positive, but I was so afraid of being ridiculed in front of the class, I nearly didn't go at first this quarter! The first weeks, I would end up nearly hyperventilating with fear.
I don't have pantophobia, but I guess you could say I have pantoparanoia. I just never trust anything or anyone.
Nothing scares me more than feeling happy and loved. Because I am always terrified I'll be humiliated.
Probably shouldn't read Carrie as frequently as I do. :(
Wow, that's got to be hard. You want to be happy but not happy at the same time, how frustrating.
Jason, I know you didn't do it with the intention of hurting Josh or I. Although I have to admit that saying that I also know that when you said that you didn't expect it to get back to me.
Anyway, I'm glad that it seems like we got things cleared up without drama.
Post a Comment