Symptomatic

Writing in my online journal is something of a challenge for me. I am one of those people who simply cannot do it if I have nothing to blog about. Much like my writing, I need true inspiration. I need for the light in my head to go, "Bing!" and set my fingers off on their quest for paragraphs. I don't necessarily need for my muse to sing in my heart or anything so dramatic, but I do need a little something of a push. Just a nudge, really, to get me going.

It is for that reason, faithful readers, that this blog does not get updated as frequently as some other peoples I could mention. /glance-at-wife

I have a confession to make. For the last year or so, I've been writing nothing. I went through the outline of my book and discovered I'd lost all interest in creating that work of fiction. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing, that novel, it just didn't mesh with the time and place I am here in my life. I guess I could force it, but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't live and breathe the way I want it to. Best to just let it lie. Perhaps one day I'll come back to it in my mind and it will be there, ready for another go-round through the machinery of my typewriter.

I need a new project, something fresh to spark my interest. Unfortunately, these past several months have provided no inspiration. Working in an office doing quality assurance does not provide the stimulus I need. What do I need? That, readers, is the truly frustrating part. I have no idea what it is that might be the restorative balm for my badly blistered creative streak. My wife and I have discussed it at length and nothing we've touched upon has truly felt like "the answer."

I sometimes wonder whether there is something mentally or physically wrong with me. I do have symptoms, they are as follows:

1> I am tired all the time. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, I feel drained.
2> I can't sleep. I toss and turn, and when in bed I feel unbearably hot even though we turn the AC down to cool at night and I sleep on top of the covers with a fan on me.
3> I can't concentrate. I am easily distracted and I procrastinate in my work.
4> My memory is complete garbage. It requires supreme effort to remember even very simple things.
5> I can't lose weight. No matter what I do with my diet or how hard I excercise, this weight refuses to go away.
6> I have no motivation. Any goal I set for myself is usually forgotten by the next day.
7> My sex drive is very low. Basically no interests there on a day to day basis.
8> I'm frequently stricken with feelings of "unreality". Even as I write this I feel like it's someone else doing it and I'm just watching.

Maybe some friendly MD will wander through my blog and tell me what the problem might be. I know I should probably see a doctor but I can't even work up the drive to do *that*.

I need help.